Surrendering ALL of myself

Within the Dominance and submission world of play there are many different kinds. Given, like anything in human nature it seems to be more of a sliding scale and fluid.  That being said, in my many hours of research early on i came across the idea that there are different “levels” of Dominance/submission.

What i found was that there are Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive and Master/slave, “levels.” These levels, from what i understand, have to do with the ammount of control exchanged. Within a Top/bottom dynamic, the Top makes decisions and is the Doer while the bottom has much more control of themselves and is the Doee. When moving into a Dominant/submissive role, there’s even more power and control handed over to the Dominant. That leaves the most control being given in a Master/slave dynamic. All of that being said, they are after all only labels and your dynamic is only what you make it regardless of the official title.

When Master and i began this journey we were very unaware of the overall lifestyle that comes with the BDSM community.  All of the information i initially found suggested that the difference in title was a VERY important decision and rather than being more fluid and unique they were hard fast RULES to the dynamic.  So, when i approached Master about the difference in the labels and which level of control He would like to have, it was not a decision made lightly.

Part of becoming a slave is relinquishing ALL control to your Master. Together, Master and i chose these labels as that is the power exchange W/we both envisioned when starting to fantasize about the future of O/our relationship.

Even though i had a crucial role in picking these titles, there were still (and still are today) some parts of myself i found more difficult to surrender.  It came completely naturally to surrender myself sexually to Master as that has always born my preference, even in the vanilla world. Surrendering my service (for example getting Master’s clothes ready for Him or making His food), also completely natural as doing for those i love is part of how naturally i show them that i care for them.  On the other hand surrendering household decisions, controlling my attitude, and learning to organize my time to take on extra things around the house was much more difficult to me.

Before Master and i entered into this dynamic W/we were just an ordinary couple. But even before that i was a single parent.  After years of making all of the important decisions  on my own, it had become a habit. When Master and i started living together i handed over some of the decision process to Him anyway, just a byproduct of a two-adult household. But when it came time to give Him ALL of the decision say-so, it was much harder.  The biggest reason that part is harder for me, is i just kind of make many decisions on my own and go with it-never even realizing a decision was made.  Then, if i do catch myself in advance i have to trust that Master is making the right decion.  Sometimes this is easy-he decides what i would so its no big deal.  Sometimes, he doesn’t make a decision i would.  Now, here’s where the fluidity of our dynamic comes in and possibly crosses the Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive “line.” Being that W/we do have children and we coparent on an even field, i do have some say so when it comes to decisions that affect them. But, i have to watch my attitude while voicing said opinion.

This is probably the absolute hardest part for me.  Not that i am naturally a mean or rude person, i am just not very used to not getting my way, and i am a Scorpio so that means i am overly passionate in ALL directions.  i often don’t realize i have a bit of an attitude problem when not getting my way- until its too late. That being said, i do believe i have improved and i hope that when Master reads this, He will agree. But learning to contain my raw emotion is difficult for me.

Another issue i have had is fitting everything together into my day.  On the surface i know that what Master asks me to complete in a day is really not much. However, when you have children, pets, work, school, etc. there are many monkey wrenches just waiting to foul you up your plans.  Over the past year, i have learned to plan for those things to happen and to have a general back up plan in mind.  Even this may not seem so diffcult to most people but it is truly a struggle for me as i am not a natural planner.

The only other part that i find rather difficult to deal with mentally is submitting to punishment. Punishment is definitely part of the dynamic, and in my option it is essential in our case. i do not argue with Master when i know i have earned myself a punishment, however, i do have trouble with it. The first couple of times I received a punishment- not funishment- i remember once curling into a ball once and panicking completely, another time i got really mad and told Master it wasn’t right to hit me so hard and ran out of the room.  Both times, after a few minutes i realized that i definitely over reacted and i did in fact deserve my punishment.  Adjusting to being able to see immediately that Master is not enjoying punishment either and that it is necessary has been difficult.  i hope that i am improving in this area as well 🙂

As always, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer or something you’d like to learn more about let m know in the comments and i will do my best to address those ideas in a future post.

 

How Was The Transition From Vanilla Reltionship to Slave?

Another awesome question, submitted by STAR (thank you 😊)!  i would imagine the transition is very different for every person.  In my mind the change from fiancée to slave was like a light bulb went off.  We had very loving and awesome relationship already, however, i always felt like something was missing.  After years of being romantically involved, raising our two children together, and beginning to plan a wedding we had discussed over a million things and that missing piece never showed itself.

One night, while reading in an online forum, i came across someone discussing their Dominant/submissive relationship.  Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my mind, and i started asking a million questions. Then my google search began.  The more i read, the more i knew i had found the missing piece of myself.  

After days of reading i began what i anticipated would be a very awkward and humiliating conversation with my very vanilla (a term i had recently learned) fiancée.  i explained what i had read online and asked what He thought. He seemed a little put off, so i asked him to just do some reading on it and suggested W/we talk about it again.

A few days later, He still hadn’t gotten back to me about it, so i decided to test drive the idea. I remember that mornings perfectly.  W/we went out to breakfast. i let him choose the restaurant, i asked for His opinion on what i should eat, any time He asked for anything i jumped to get it done, etc.  Essentially, i put myself into the submissive role on my own.  

Master is no fool, so He caught on rather quickly.  He let me think i was tricking Him for almost all day.  Then He told me He knew what i was doing, and He liked it as well.  And that is where O/our story truly began.

The next few weeks were a blur of passing links, information, and ideas back and forth.  Between U/us W/we must’ve read over 100 different sites, blogs, posts and E-books. Then W/we sat together and wrote out O/ur first list of rules… They were very situation specific and left too much undiscussed. 

W/we started with a very light dynamic.  i wanted to jump in head first but Master needed more time to ease into it.  This was a very frustrating time, for both of U/us i believe. Additionally, in many areas, this was the first time i had relinquished control to Master.  I often had mini power struggles within myself while attempting to submit to Master. When He would miss something that happened,   i started breaking rules just to see if He would enforce them. As any one might, Master grew tired of my brat routine.  W/we have experienced periods where W/we slipped out of the dynamic and back into O/our vanilla selves.  

Each time W/we slipped out of the dynamic it got harder to get back into it.  i feel like W/we both felt defeated each time it happened.  Over time, W/we decided to put it into writing and thus, O/our contract was born.  i say that it was born because it is a living document. W/we both understand that as W/we grow and O/our relationship changes, some of the things in the dynamic will also change. 

It has been a roller coaster of emotions trying to find our sweet spots within O/our roles.  There have been days W/we are both totally motivated and focused on O/our dynamic.  There have also been days one or the other felt it was a lost cause. There have even been a few times i “quit” (though those almost always end in a pretty harsh punishment because rather than discussing the problem i grow frustrated and say that i quit). i am always quick to apologize and beg for forgiveness, however, these times do happen.  

Most of O/our “down time” is related to communication.  Sometimes there is a slight break down in communication between Master and i. When this tiny breakdown happens it creates a fast spiral and suddenly W/we aren’t on the same page anymore.  At this point, W/we just regroup, reassess and adjust and try to jump right back in rather than letting something little create a large gap in O/our dynamic.

i think like so many relationships, even in Domant/submissive relationships, you get this idea that it’s always going to be perfect (like the honeymoon period) but then inevitably, life- especially when you have children around- gets in the way. Sometimes when you don’t live up to that ideal it feels awful, but what i have realized is that Master and i need to remember that W/we are human and so long as W/we keep working at improving communication and connection O/our relationship will continue to flourish.