Why is Being Dominated Something i Crave?

Yesterday’s post on Maintenance Spankings  got me thinking about why i crave Domination in general. When asked to describe myself i would normally say that i am strong willed, self reliant, independent thinking, smart, and loving; everything’s society expects of a wife and mother these days.  Society teaches girls from a young age that they should be strong yet sweet, polite yet sexual, mature yet light hearted, independent and a go getter, a full time business woman with a successful career, a flawless mom, a doting housewife; essentially to be everything to everyone.  

Many times women who choose to stay home and “only” care for their home, husbands, and children are viewed as weak and inferior.  They are often chatisized and looked down upon by other women, men and society in general.  This ideal woman who is all powerful is what i had always aimed to be. 

Being that i have considered myself a strong, independent woman, why do i feel this urgent need to be submissive to Master? i believe that, like most things within the human mind, the answer can be found on many levels, working together to create our inner most desires. In my opinion there is a biological component, a “traditional” societal component, a spiritual component, an emotional component, and, in my case, a personal history component. 

Let’s look at the biological aspects.  Animals rely on instinct for the survival of their species. When birds fly south for the winter for example, this is a vital instinct for the survival of their species.  All animals have an instinct to reproduce. For humans this historically meant that females provide young while Males take a mate and provide security for the off spring. When you look at the physical anatomy you see that Males are made to penetrate while females are to be penetrated.  For sperm to meet an egg, the Male must ejaculate, the female releases the egg regardless of female enjoyment. 

Additionally, scientists (forgive me i don’t recall the source, if anyone would like it drop a comment and i will find it) have studied why sex takes “so long.” The study found that evolutionarily speaking, the shape of the penis and the “competition” to last the longest may be a result of multiple Males ejaculating in the same female. They theoreticized that by using the shape of the penis and a longer time to ejaculation, Males were able to scoop out other semen and deposit their own.  

While the article doesn’t discuss female submission, it seems to me that it would suggest an evolutionary component of submitting to Males taking them. When you consider that it wasn’t until recent history that marital rape was even considered a crime within the US it could lead to the idea that women have for millions of years been given the only option of submitting to Males.  It seems, similar to the inate fear of snakes that even infants show, submission may be a partially ingrained instinct. 

While today’s society puts women and men on an equal playing field within the family dynamic, (if not putting women in a higher position) it’s not that long ago that Men were considered the boss of the home.  This to me is the ideal family set up.  The final decisions and responsibility are up to the Husband.  In my mind this dynamic would down on a certain amount of common marital disputes; and, so long as both parties are working toward the greater good of the family, provides a certain level of relief and stability for the wife. Growing up, i viewed my grandparents relationship as perfect.  They had been together since they were teenagers, they always worked as a team, and although her opinion was always considered, Grandaddy had the final say (though it was usually in line with what Grandma had to say). 

Without getting to deep into my religious and spiritual views (as this isn’t the time or place for such discussion), put simply i identify as Christian.  There is this concept within the book of the Husband serves God, while the wife serves the Husband.  i am sure this entire concept of biblical submission helps to influence my complete submission to Master. 

Emotionally, serving Master allows me to feel special, valued, and important.  In my submission, i have given Master something no one else has given him before; and He is sharing with me parts of Himself he has never shared with anyone else.  i feel fufilled and purposeful when Master uses me to complete tasks, keep His life comfortable and enjoyable, and to satisfy His sexual needs. The fact that He values and trusts me to care for these needs for Him is truly beautiful in my eyes.  

Now, for me there is also a personal history that i feel enhances my ability and need to submit to Master.  Having been in an abusive relationship in the past, i felt oddly reminiscent of some of the aspects of my relationship that society tells me is wrong. i missed explaining my where abouts, i missed asking for permission, i missed the feeling of being controlled.  At the time i couldn’t understand why i was missing things i had greatly dispized at the time. i felt like there was something wrong with me.  When i began researching Dominant/submissive relationships, i realized that i was missing the submission, not the abuse; and that the two are not the same thing.  submitting willingly to someone i love is beautiful, where as what i had experienced was forced submission and abuse. (Because this section is included, i feel this section deserves a mini discussion of its own. I seriously considered leaving this part out as i do not want to further the stigma that all people who partake in BDSM activities are in some way “damaged” or mentally ill. That being said people who participate in BDSM are just that people, and some of us- myself included- are bound to have some kind of troublesome history.)

How do all of these aspects of my submission equate to craving Dominance exactly?  Because i feel so strongly on so many levels that being submissive to Master allows me such freedom to be the best me that i can, i crave his Dominance over me to reassure my submission and fulfill the need in me to be submissive to Him. Just as there cannot be a moon with out a sun, an up with out a down, or a ying without a yang, there cannot be submission without Domination.  

Is Maintenance Spanking Necessary?

An interesting concept is a mantenance spanking.  i have read that mantenance spankings are absolutely necessary in Dominant/submissive relationships, i have also read that they are not.  Over time this question has come up in my mind and i can see it going either way.  There are times i feel like they aren’t needed in O/our relationship, but then my submission tends to slip a little when i have not received a punishment lately.

This leads me to believe that maybe i crave the harsh spanking itself. (My punishments consist of a physical punishment and a more mental one as well, for more on the punishments i receive please read this blog post.) But is that really what i crave?

The more i have thought about this, the more i have come to the conclusion it isn’t the spanking itself but the deliberate display of Dominance that i crave.  i recently came across a blog that stated women are biologically predisposed to submitting to men.  When you think about it, evolutionarily speaking, the existence of the human species depended on women submitting to the sexual desires of men.  This is evidenced in the fact that femal orgasm is not crucial reproduction, while male orgasm is the precursor to reproduction.

How does this tie in to my need to have Master display His Dominance with a spanking? Well, being that in today’s society, sexual acts are viewed as mutually pleasurable and there is great emphasis on the elusive “female orgasm,” sexuality no longer equates to submission.  However, submitting to a harsh punishment is a clear cut display of my submission.

So then, it would appear that mantenance spankings are important within O/our dynamic. But, wait there’s more! There are so many deliberate displays of Master’s Dominance that could be used as well.

Occasionally, Master will force me to perform a sexual act i am not fond of.  Some examples of this are oral after sex, particularly rough and painful sex and anal.  Occasionally, Master marks his territory using urine (again not something I enjoy.) Sometimes when Master has seen that i have been a very good girl, He will allow me a chance to be His good little bitch. This is a term W/we use almost exclusively for puppy play. When Master allows puppy play, He inserts a tail plug (which by the way is a bit painful in itself) then places a collar on my neck and puts me on a leash.  Then He trains me as a puppy. What do each of these hve in common, a slight humiliation effect and a total submission to Master. These activities seem to alleviate the kcraving and hinder my spurts of bad behavior.

So, i suppose, all of that being said, no maintence spankings are not necessary.  Why is necessary is the need for Master to occasionally assert is Dominance in an out of the ordinary way.

I would love some feedback in this area.  Are there anyways you know that Master could assert is dominance other than what is discussed above?

What About subdrop and After Care?

i don’t usually write two posts together, but i believe the discussion of subdrop and after care should be discussed with discussions of subspace (see that blog post here) as the two go hand in hand. 

After a trip into subspace, my body and mind are left depleted. Physically, i am left weak, usually with a drop in body temperature, tired and incapable of tending or recognizing to my own needs. Mentally, my mind slows down a lot, my emotions are all over the map and often conflicting, and i am left yearning for tender comfort and praise.  

This is where aftercare becomes crucial.  Depending on the session that brought about such extreme subspace, after care looks different within O/our relationship.  That being said a few things are constant- if i need to walk anywhere, Master is right by my side to ensure i do not fall, Master helps to keep track of and tend to my basic needs: being clean and warm, making sure that i have nourishment, and that i am hydrated; and possibly most important of all, Master always makes sure i feel loved and appreciated. 

Without these crucial moments of aftercare while experiencing subdrop, i would be left feeling abandoned, alone, used, or even possibly physically ill from not having my physical needs met. 

Why is Positive Reinforcement Important in my M/s relationship?

Positive reinforcement is a vital training tool within O/our Master/slave relationship.  Discipline is often thought to be only punishing mistakes.  However, in O/our relationship Master finds it also important to incorporate positive reinforcement for a job well done.

Master’s wise decision to also reward good behavior helps me as his slave on many levels.  The first is that similar to punishment imprinting the infraction on my mind, positive reinforcement allows for a job well done to stick out in my mind and encourages me to repeat the desired task/behavior. (To read more on punishment within O/our dynamic, read this blog post.) Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that’ll survive reinforcement of desired behavior is the most effective training tool.

Too often in life we, as people, forget to address the good.  By remembering the good in O/our dynamic Master is better able to enjoy O/our relationship and allow me to enjoy it more as well.  When W/we focus only on mistakes, it creates a cycle of more mistakes and could theoretically create a perpetually negative look on O/our relationship and eventually each other.

Additionally, a little reward for a job well done helps U/us to prevent me becoming “burnt out.” A topic i have come across many times within discussions of BDSM relationship is sub burn out.  It is easy to see how a person could become burnt out when expending all of their efforts to please another person.  However, when Master rewards me for a job well done, i am able to take a deep breath and know that my efforts are appreciated and noticed.  The memory of these small reminder is a very valuable thing on days i struggle to get motivated to complete my chores or to maintain my composure when upset about something.

Some ways that Master provides positive reinforcement in O/our relationship are:

• A nice massage
• Fettish play
• A nice  FUNishment spanking
• Allowing orgasm
• Washing me in the shower
• Brushing my hair
• Volunteering to do one of my chores (usually the dishes after dinner)
• A special gift (flowers or something small)
• Saying a simple, “Very good job.” Or, “Thank you.”

Why is Punishment Necessary in my M/s Relationship?

While not every Master/slave relationship incorporates punishment, it works very well for Master and i. There is truly a difference in discipline and punishment, though the two often go hand in hand and many people use the terms interchangably.  Discipline in a Master/slave relationship is about teaching the slave what is right and wrong as well as control of the slave’s self and emotions.  Punishment can be an important part of teaching these things.

Master often uses spanking as a punishment and has begun to incorporate other things as well.  i will include a list of possible punishments at the end for easy reference.  Punishment takes the lessons further for me.  Rather than just praising my good deeds and behaviors, Master uses punishment to reinforce when something is wrong.  This helps the infraction to stand out in my mind and to help deter me from continuing the same misbehavior in the future.  Punishment is not fun for me, and is down right embarrassing for me. (For more on my feelings when being corrected read this blog post.)

While i greatly dislike punishment, i understand that it is a helpful training tool for Master. Without it, i feel that i would make the same mistakes more as it would fade away in my mind.  That being said, i strive for the day when punishment is no longer needed.  That day will mean that i am able to please Master flawlessly.
Some punishments Master has used, or we have discussed are:

• Spankings with various tools (different than play spankings these a fierce, quick, and without warm up)
• Time out in my naughty corner to reflect on how i have displeased Master
• Cold showers (with or without allowing a towel to dry off)
• Sexual acts i am not particularly fond of
• Writing assignments
• Restriction of cell phone use
• Restriction of free time
• Extra tasks added to my chore list
• Orgasm restriction for a set amount of time or forced extended orgasm

How Important is Structure in a M/s Relationship?

Structure is one of the most important factors in O/our Master/slave relationship. i feel that it is second only to communication.  Having structure equates to security in my role.  By knowing what is expected of me and when i am better able to serve Master.  If my expectations were based on Master’s whim i would never know how to please Master, our what to expect. This would end up leaving both Master and i frustrated and almost never on the same page.

There is structure not only in my role, but also in my tasks.  Without completing my tasks in a structured way, i would probably be unable to get them completed. Master helped me to decide when each chore should be completed, and by following those recommendations i am able quickly get through my daily chores.

The bottom line is that in almost any relationship there is some form of structure, even if it is a lack of structure.  In a Master/slave relationship structure is imperative to keeping everyone on the same page, feeling secure within their roles, and getting done what needs to be taken care of.

How Does Correction Make me Feel?

When i have not completed my duties to Master, or i have been disrespectful to Master, it is necessary for Master to discipline me.  Usually, this includes a punishment of some kind.(For more on why punishment is necessary in O/our relationship, please read this blog post.)   i understand that this is an important part of O/our relationship.  The short answer to how this makes me feel is ashamed and loved.

The primary feeing during and after discipline and correction is shame.  i am ashamed that i have disappointed Master.  Master does so much can for me, and when i do not live up to the standards he has set it greatly disturbs me.  i know my rules, and what is expected of me. Master doesn’t ask more of me than i am able to do, so there is really no excuse for my needing to be corrected. i also feel shame that my actions caused Master to go against His want to not punish me.

Discipline and correction also make me feel loved.  Master does not enjoy having to correct and punish me.  However, Master does so out of love for me.  Master knows that in order for me to be fufilled in this relationship, my service should eventually become flawless (well, close to flawless- no one is perfect after all). When Master goes against the in grained theory that He should never treat me badly by society’s standard, it is an internal struggle.  With each smack or minute of punishment i know that Master is fighting Himself.  Why does He do it then? Because Master’s love for me is so strong.  i know this and feel it fully with each act of discipline- and i thank Him for it.

What Ownership means to me?

In today’s society, women are encourage to be independent, equal partners to their spouses.  In my opinion, while a woman should know her strength and should be able to live on her own, there is a certain strength and freedom that comes from belonging to my Master.  Having been a single parent and used to being everything for everyone at all times, i found it truly exhausting and always felt like not enough.  When Master agreed to make the transition from being my fiancée to being my Master, a great deal of pressure can off of my shoulders.  Now, i trust that Master will help me to spend my time wisely and make sure that everything is done when it needs to be.  By giving up the control and the responsibility, i am able to still do everything i would be otherwise, but in a more fulfilling and meaningful way.

Many people think of women as being irrational, emotional, demanding, and over controlling.  i will admit, i fit these stereotypes when our relationship began.  Over time i have become better at controlling my emotions and i have learned to better communicate with my Master.   A Master/slave relationship eliminates many of the “typical” relationships struggles and requires a clear line of communication between partners.  This has truly been the quiet blessing W/we weren’t expecting.

Also, i believe that a family functions better with a traditional dynamic with the man as the head of household.  When there is a conflict, the final decision belongs to Master.  i trust that he will make the best decision for U/us at the time.  This isn’t to say i don’t get to voice my opinion, Master is very thoughtful and often asks for my opinion, and usually goes with my first choice.

Even though many people worry about what you give up when you give someone else control of your being, i have gained so much!! It truly is only in serving Master that i have ever felt so free.