Loving Dom vs. abuse?

With so much in O/our relationship revolving around control, spankings, humiliation, and using of my body, it is easy for someone to come to the idea that this may be an abusive dynmaic rather than a loving one.  So many of the aspects of BDSM in general could be misused in an abusive way. That beings said, the simple way to tell the difference lies in consent.  Before venturing into this dynamic, Master and i discussed limits and comfort zones. Also, before Master and i try something new, we discuss it beforehand.  Another key is safe words. Though i rarely use them, i know that if i do use them, Master will respect them.

Master and i have a relationship built on love and respect.  Master may use “degrading words” or bark commands to me, but he doesn’t ever disrespect me.  Master loves and dares me. He cares for me and protects me. He pushes my limits ONLY when i am okay with them being pushed- in fact, if i am being completely honest, more times than not i am asking Him to push His limits for me during playtime.

Many abusive partners demand control, use hurtful words, physical intimidation and pain to weaken their partners. There are also people in the BDSM world that use their “kinks” as a way excuse abusive behavior. When looking into beginning a dynamic with someone new, watch the way the treat you prior to beginning. Someone that demands obedience before you agree to submit to them, that can be a major red flag.

Loving names

i have spent a great deal of time here discussing how Master and i came to get our respective roles and titles. But, i don’t believe i have discussed other names used rather than just Master and slave.

To start, the names i am to call Master are as follows:

• Master
• Sir
• My love (to be used only in public situations)
• Baby (again to be used only in public)

 

Master on the other hand has many many names for me, and uses them in a variety of situations.

• slave
• submissive
• baby
• slut
• bitch
• dirty slut
• whore

 

While the first couple are rather straight forward, a few on that list have a very negative connotation to most of the world.  To me these words mean differently than something negative. To be called these words is actually a good thing, it fills me with pride to know that Master uses me as His slut or whore.  Traditionally speaking these words mean someone who is used for sexual pleasure with little need of romance in return.  It is my aspiration for Master to use me as He sees fit, including in a sexual way. As far as being called His bitch, it shows me that he views me as loyal and unconditionally his- just like a dog 🙂

In actuality all of these words serve to remind me that i belong entirely to Him, and that is a fantastic feeling ❤

Surrendering ALL of myself

Within the Dominance and submission world of play there are many different kinds. Given, like anything in human nature it seems to be more of a sliding scale and fluid.  That being said, in my many hours of research early on i came across the idea that there are different “levels” of Dominance/submission.

What i found was that there are Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive and Master/slave, “levels.” These levels, from what i understand, have to do with the ammount of control exchanged. Within a Top/bottom dynamic, the Top makes decisions and is the Doer while the bottom has much more control of themselves and is the Doee. When moving into a Dominant/submissive role, there’s even more power and control handed over to the Dominant. That leaves the most control being given in a Master/slave dynamic. All of that being said, they are after all only labels and your dynamic is only what you make it regardless of the official title.

When Master and i began this journey we were very unaware of the overall lifestyle that comes with the BDSM community.  All of the information i initially found suggested that the difference in title was a VERY important decision and rather than being more fluid and unique they were hard fast RULES to the dynamic.  So, when i approached Master about the difference in the labels and which level of control He would like to have, it was not a decision made lightly.

Part of becoming a slave is relinquishing ALL control to your Master. Together, Master and i chose these labels as that is the power exchange W/we both envisioned when starting to fantasize about the future of O/our relationship.

Even though i had a crucial role in picking these titles, there were still (and still are today) some parts of myself i found more difficult to surrender.  It came completely naturally to surrender myself sexually to Master as that has always born my preference, even in the vanilla world. Surrendering my service (for example getting Master’s clothes ready for Him or making His food), also completely natural as doing for those i love is part of how naturally i show them that i care for them.  On the other hand surrendering household decisions, controlling my attitude, and learning to organize my time to take on extra things around the house was much more difficult to me.

Before Master and i entered into this dynamic W/we were just an ordinary couple. But even before that i was a single parent.  After years of making all of the important decisions  on my own, it had become a habit. When Master and i started living together i handed over some of the decision process to Him anyway, just a byproduct of a two-adult household. But when it came time to give Him ALL of the decision say-so, it was much harder.  The biggest reason that part is harder for me, is i just kind of make many decisions on my own and go with it-never even realizing a decision was made.  Then, if i do catch myself in advance i have to trust that Master is making the right decion.  Sometimes this is easy-he decides what i would so its no big deal.  Sometimes, he doesn’t make a decision i would.  Now, here’s where the fluidity of our dynamic comes in and possibly crosses the Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive “line.” Being that W/we do have children and we coparent on an even field, i do have some say so when it comes to decisions that affect them. But, i have to watch my attitude while voicing said opinion.

This is probably the absolute hardest part for me.  Not that i am naturally a mean or rude person, i am just not very used to not getting my way, and i am a Scorpio so that means i am overly passionate in ALL directions.  i often don’t realize i have a bit of an attitude problem when not getting my way- until its too late. That being said, i do believe i have improved and i hope that when Master reads this, He will agree. But learning to contain my raw emotion is difficult for me.

Another issue i have had is fitting everything together into my day.  On the surface i know that what Master asks me to complete in a day is really not much. However, when you have children, pets, work, school, etc. there are many monkey wrenches just waiting to foul you up your plans.  Over the past year, i have learned to plan for those things to happen and to have a general back up plan in mind.  Even this may not seem so diffcult to most people but it is truly a struggle for me as i am not a natural planner.

The only other part that i find rather difficult to deal with mentally is submitting to punishment. Punishment is definitely part of the dynamic, and in my option it is essential in our case. i do not argue with Master when i know i have earned myself a punishment, however, i do have trouble with it. The first couple of times I received a punishment- not funishment- i remember once curling into a ball once and panicking completely, another time i got really mad and told Master it wasn’t right to hit me so hard and ran out of the room.  Both times, after a few minutes i realized that i definitely over reacted and i did in fact deserve my punishment.  Adjusting to being able to see immediately that Master is not enjoying punishment either and that it is necessary has been difficult.  i hope that i am improving in this area as well 🙂

As always, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer or something you’d like to learn more about let m know in the comments and i will do my best to address those ideas in a future post.

 

Submitting once again

He is my Master, i am His slave. He is the decision maker, the strength, the firm guiding hand that keeps O/our life moving in the right direction. On the other hand, i am the listener, the one that obeys, the servant and the support that holds U/us together. Unfortunately, life gets hectic, and things happen that detract from the normal way of things. Master and i are human at the base of it all.

Over the past couple of years, Master and i have fallen in and out of the Master/slave dynamic.  Things like kids, work, bills, and family situations have caused us to pull back from our respective roles.  Until recently, we thought we needed a whole new set up, rules, protocol, etc ever time we left and came back.  This time i see that the problem hasn’t been O/our setup each time, but just a fact of life. This time, i have decided to stick with the regular program and just jump back in to where i am most comfortable- on my knees.

It is my hope that as W/we move forward each time this happens, W/we can continue to grow closer and more comfortable in O/our roles.  Previously, i believed that since W/we kept falling out of O/our dynamic in times of stress, illness, or personal turmoil it meant that W/we weren’t “true” Master/slave.  Recently, i read a wonderful piece of writing by someone on fetlife, (i unfortunately do not have the source, but am looking to find it again for proper recognition here).  This piece of writing suggested that it is totally normal for Dominants to feel less dominant at times, and that the best way to help a Dominant get back into their dominating ways is to support them and continue to fulfill your role as a submissive. When i was reading this post, i could feel guilt over take my heart.  i had failed to do this for Master.

Over time i started to expect my Master to just reassume the role when He was ready.  The problem with this has been that by me slipping so completely back out of my role i have essentially taken back the gift of my submission. Accidentally, i impressed upon Master that my submission is dependent upon His behavior. While it is hard to serve someone’s every command when they do not make any commands, there are many things i could have been doing the entire time to reinforce His dominance, even during times when he maybe wasn’t feeling very dominant.

One example of this would be to continue to call Him Sir or Master, even if He wasn’t asking or expecting me to.  Another would be to continue to ask His permission when i wished to do things that broke from the normal routine (like lunch with a friend.). Maybe if i had put a little more effort into maintaining the dynamic while W/we were on hiatus, it would not be so difficult to start up again.

On the other had, each time W/we revamp our relationship, everything feels new and exciting again.  i am very anxious to see where this goes from here.  i will make it a point to write my feelings out here more often, as i feel like the writing time is good for my mind and my soul and makes me that much better in service to Master.

i am always looking for new things to write about, so please leave comments and questions!!!

Spanking Implements

i have breifly discussed the spanking implements Master has used on me in a previous post.  However, i feel that a small implement review may be helpful to others looking for a new toy of their own.  (Also, Master recently had a birthday and was able to pick up a couple more.)

The Hand

This is the most basic and always available implement.  When Master spanking me with His hand, there is a surprising array of minor differences in the sensation.  With Masters fingers spread wide, i can feel each finger in the red handprint tingling.  Where as with His hand totally flat it has a bit more of an impact effect and a solid sting.  When thinking of spankings, it is easy to under estimate the effect of sound.  When Master cups His hand a bit, it makes quite a loud sound with less of an impact. Sometimes i jump more from the sound than the sting.

The Belt

Like most people in O/our generation, the belt holds a certain ingrained disciplinary power for Master and i; having grown up in a time that belts were commonly used as discipline.  Master has a couple of belts, but W/we have discussed getting more with varying textures.  For now, Master has flat and smooth but solid leather belts.  Hearing the tiny clanking of the buckle in Masters hand definitely adds to the anticipation.  The belt offers little by way of versatility in spanking, but is highly effective. With each smack, the belt leaves my bottom red and warm.

The Hairbrush

Master usually uses a hairbrush out of convenience.  i think for Master it fits so well in His hand by the handle that it provides more control.  Personally, i have found the hairbrush to have less of a sting on the skin, but definitely creates a deeper impact feeling.  The sound is totally different with brush. Where most implements W/we have used create a snapping sound, the brush sounds more like a popping sound.  i don’t believe this falls on either of my short lists or implements. (Most loved/Most Dispised)

The Wooden Handle

This is just a handle of a long wooden bath brush.  This is another implement that Master uses out of convenience when W/we are in the bathroom.  It is long and skinny at the top but wider closer to Master.  This doesn’t seem to hurt like the others (though it could be just because Master may not use it the same as the others.) When my body is wet from a shower and this handle comes crashing into my ass cheek i definitely feel it! The handle doesn’t seem to be as loud as other implements, but does have a certain scary effect for me.  Just the idea of being spanked with a long piece of wood makes me straighten up my act a bit.

The Cookie Spatula

This spatula is a large, round metal spatula made for picking up a batch of cookies off a baking sheet.  When W/we ordered it, W/we fully intended on eating more cookies.  But once Master had it in His hand, W/we exchanged a knowing look.  This spatula covers a wider area than any of the other implements. It is slightly larger than Masters hand fully stretched. This makes it a good implement for when Master wants my hind end red quickly.  On my end, the spatula offers very little flexibility (like a belt or hand can kind of pull back a bit on impact) so it leaves a more lasting sting. It is slightly heavy as well which gives it a deep impact feeling as well. (This is probably my least favorite spanking implement used so far for punishment.)

The Flogger

This one is new.  Master chose Himself a leather flogger recently.  i had (silly me) kind of snickered at the time thinking that cloggers don’t do much damage.  Being that this is the first on this list that is made for spanking, Master probably enjoys this handle in His hand the most because He can wrap His fist around it.  When i first ran my fingers through the flogger, i thought surely this is too soft and flexible to cause pain. But the first time it made contact with my bum i was rather surprised.  Because of the many points of impact and the flexibility, it offered quite a scratchy feel. A few more lashes with the flogger created quite a burning sensation on my rosy red cheeks.

The Crop

Another birthday present of Master’s choosing is the crop. He choose a long brown one with a little leather tab.  Not realizing what i was getting myself into, i snickered when Master chose it.  However, once the crop and i became formally acquainted, i believe have found my newest least favorite.  It seems the crop offers a combination of the sting, the impact, and the snap.  All of these coming together in such a harsh manner (even during funishment) makes me rather nervous.

i hope my mini reviews are helpful and informative.  I am wondering if anyone else has found these same effects from these implements.  Please share your experiences with these or any other implementsin the comments section below.

How Does Master use Orgasm Control?

Master and i read about orgasm control.  This idea that He could somehow train my body to only orgasm on command. Niether of U/us fully expected it to work. 

O/our rules have always been that when playing together, i must ask Master before reaching an orgasm.  Master began delaying my orgasms by seconds at a time. Eventually He would just say no, until i was begging.  Honestly, i had a few that slipped by without permission.  They would always prolong the next permission, and usually came with a mild punishment.  

 Over time, from having to ask Master for permission to cum, my body started plateauing just before orgasm.  Sometimes, Master would forget to tell me i could, and being rather quiet i wouldn’t ask.  After a few times of Master accidentally denying orgasm the entire playtime, i decided to speak up.  i told Him that my body just wouldn’t unless He specifically said i could.   

Master has never restricted my privledge of masturbation- except maybe temporarily as a punishment.  Soon, i found little relief in masturbation, as i would hit that plateau and wait for Master to say i could. However, i never  masturbate in Master’s presence, so i could go on for hours with no relief just that familiar plateau.  

When Master and i discussed it again, W/we decided to play with this ability.  Thus far, if i am at that plateau Master can make me orgasm on command.  He has even induced multiple orgasms back to back with no rest and very little build up. i am curious to see if my body can be trained in such a way that Master could induce an orgasm without any initial build up… 

If you have experience with orgasm control, i would love to read other experiences. Please share in the comments below. 

How Was The Transition From Vanilla Reltionship to Slave?

Another awesome question, submitted by STAR (thank you 😊)!  i would imagine the transition is very different for every person.  In my mind the change from fiancée to slave was like a light bulb went off.  We had very loving and awesome relationship already, however, i always felt like something was missing.  After years of being romantically involved, raising our two children together, and beginning to plan a wedding we had discussed over a million things and that missing piece never showed itself.

One night, while reading in an online forum, i came across someone discussing their Dominant/submissive relationship.  Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my mind, and i started asking a million questions. Then my google search began.  The more i read, the more i knew i had found the missing piece of myself.  

After days of reading i began what i anticipated would be a very awkward and humiliating conversation with my very vanilla (a term i had recently learned) fiancée.  i explained what i had read online and asked what He thought. He seemed a little put off, so i asked him to just do some reading on it and suggested W/we talk about it again.

A few days later, He still hadn’t gotten back to me about it, so i decided to test drive the idea. I remember that mornings perfectly.  W/we went out to breakfast. i let him choose the restaurant, i asked for His opinion on what i should eat, any time He asked for anything i jumped to get it done, etc.  Essentially, i put myself into the submissive role on my own.  

Master is no fool, so He caught on rather quickly.  He let me think i was tricking Him for almost all day.  Then He told me He knew what i was doing, and He liked it as well.  And that is where O/our story truly began.

The next few weeks were a blur of passing links, information, and ideas back and forth.  Between U/us W/we must’ve read over 100 different sites, blogs, posts and E-books. Then W/we sat together and wrote out O/ur first list of rules… They were very situation specific and left too much undiscussed. 

W/we started with a very light dynamic.  i wanted to jump in head first but Master needed more time to ease into it.  This was a very frustrating time, for both of U/us i believe. Additionally, in many areas, this was the first time i had relinquished control to Master.  I often had mini power struggles within myself while attempting to submit to Master. When He would miss something that happened,   i started breaking rules just to see if He would enforce them. As any one might, Master grew tired of my brat routine.  W/we have experienced periods where W/we slipped out of the dynamic and back into O/our vanilla selves.  

Each time W/we slipped out of the dynamic it got harder to get back into it.  i feel like W/we both felt defeated each time it happened.  Over time, W/we decided to put it into writing and thus, O/our contract was born.  i say that it was born because it is a living document. W/we both understand that as W/we grow and O/our relationship changes, some of the things in the dynamic will also change. 

It has been a roller coaster of emotions trying to find our sweet spots within O/our roles.  There have been days W/we are both totally motivated and focused on O/our dynamic.  There have also been days one or the other felt it was a lost cause. There have even been a few times i “quit” (though those almost always end in a pretty harsh punishment because rather than discussing the problem i grow frustrated and say that i quit). i am always quick to apologize and beg for forgiveness, however, these times do happen.  

Most of O/our “down time” is related to communication.  Sometimes there is a slight break down in communication between Master and i. When this tiny breakdown happens it creates a fast spiral and suddenly W/we aren’t on the same page anymore.  At this point, W/we just regroup, reassess and adjust and try to jump right back in rather than letting something little create a large gap in O/our dynamic.

i think like so many relationships, even in Domant/submissive relationships, you get this idea that it’s always going to be perfect (like the honeymoon period) but then inevitably, life- especially when you have children around- gets in the way. Sometimes when you don’t live up to that ideal it feels awful, but what i have realized is that Master and i need to remember that W/we are human and so long as W/we keep working at improving communication and connection O/our relationship will continue to flourish.  

What a Real Spanking Feels Like

So it happened.  i was fully aware that i messed up.  Master knew it, i knew it.  When Master instructed me to strip and prepare for punishment, there was clearly a difference this time. What has always hurt my heart, and stung my bottom was about to be worse than ever before.  Master had such a confident and determine air about Him.

As i laid across His bed and prepared for the worst, i felt this wave of fear come across me like i had never experienced during a punishment from Him before.  Expecting a small warm up lash with His belt, i prepared.

As the belt came swiftly and hard i heard it crack upon my bare bottom and felt the sting much deeper than every before.  Master watched as my body trembled and shook with slight shock of the powerful blow.

As Master told me to never disrespect Him again, i agreed- hoping to soften the next blow.  Then swiftly i heard and felt the next impact.  my rear end feeling like it was on fire, my body trying to crawl away from the pain, my mind knowing i needed to stay put, and my mouth apologizing through pained moans.

One by one the belt hit harder and faster than i had ever known before. With each smack i gripped onto the bedsheets with my fists tighter trying to diffuse some of the pain.  my little wimped grew slightly with each sting until it was one long moan of pain.  Master, knowing that i was done, reminded me of who He is and that He demands my respect-ALWAYS.  i turned to face Him, my head lowered, and thanked Him for my punishment and apologized for acting like i did.

Not that it should matter the force of the punishment, but i am now fully aware that my Master has in fact come into His own and that each punishment from here on out will leave a lasting affect on my mind and my body.

What is the Toughest Punishment i Have to Deal With?

This is such a great question. Honestly, every punishment offers a great deal of difficulty because i know it means i have disappointed Master.  Because Master incorporates many different kinds of punishments, i find many of them difficult in different ways.

Emotionally, i would have to say that being denied the privilege of serving Master is most difficult. To know that i have disappointed Him so much that He feels it best to not have me serve Him is absolutely awful.  It makes feel sad, ashamed, and lost.

On a humiliation level, having write about my transgressions is absolutely the worst.  In the past Master has had me write about what i did wrong, why it was wrong, what i should have done, and why i won’t do it again. These writing assignments are awful. The entire time i am writing it, i know the answers and i know that i knew better from the beginning. These are humiliating for me because it is embarrassing to know that i made a mistake that was totally unnecessary.

Physical pain is also very tough.  Master has used a variety of implements for my spankings. This far Master has used His hand, a hairbrush, His belt, a metal spatula and the wooden handle of a bath brush. i will be and say that i have not felt the full force of all these implements. Master took a while to get used to the idea of inflicting physical pain on me (a result of 30 years of being told to never hit a girl.) Lately, Master has really come to understand the importance of the pain within O/our dynamic.  Master chooses the belt most often as it is handy.  my least favorite is the metal spatula as it is very large and covers a great deal of skin. The spatula offers a swift sting over a large area and offers no flexibility to soften the blow.

Every single punishment is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be very effective.  Each and every punishment leaves me feeling ashamed but loved. (For more on my feelings during punishment please read this blog post.) Master is always looking for more punishment ideas to add to his arsenal, so please feel free to share you favorite punishments, or least favorite as the case may be, in the comments section below.

(thanks STAR for the great question. i enjoyed really thinking about the different punishments and putting my thoughts on paper.)