Loving Dom vs. abuse?

With so much in O/our relationship revolving around control, spankings, humiliation, and using of my body, it is easy for someone to come to the idea that this may be an abusive dynmaic rather than a loving one.  So many of the aspects of BDSM in general could be misused in an abusive way. That beings said, the simple way to tell the difference lies in consent.  Before venturing into this dynamic, Master and i discussed limits and comfort zones. Also, before Master and i try something new, we discuss it beforehand.  Another key is safe words. Though i rarely use them, i know that if i do use them, Master will respect them.

Master and i have a relationship built on love and respect.  Master may use “degrading words” or bark commands to me, but he doesn’t ever disrespect me.  Master loves and dares me. He cares for me and protects me. He pushes my limits ONLY when i am okay with them being pushed- in fact, if i am being completely honest, more times than not i am asking Him to push His limits for me during playtime.

Many abusive partners demand control, use hurtful words, physical intimidation and pain to weaken their partners. There are also people in the BDSM world that use their “kinks” as a way excuse abusive behavior. When looking into beginning a dynamic with someone new, watch the way the treat you prior to beginning. Someone that demands obedience before you agree to submit to them, that can be a major red flag.

Spanking Implements

i have breifly discussed the spanking implements Master has used on me in a previous post.  However, i feel that a small implement review may be helpful to others looking for a new toy of their own.  (Also, Master recently had a birthday and was able to pick up a couple more.)

The Hand

This is the most basic and always available implement.  When Master spanking me with His hand, there is a surprising array of minor differences in the sensation.  With Masters fingers spread wide, i can feel each finger in the red handprint tingling.  Where as with His hand totally flat it has a bit more of an impact effect and a solid sting.  When thinking of spankings, it is easy to under estimate the effect of sound.  When Master cups His hand a bit, it makes quite a loud sound with less of an impact. Sometimes i jump more from the sound than the sting.

The Belt

Like most people in O/our generation, the belt holds a certain ingrained disciplinary power for Master and i; having grown up in a time that belts were commonly used as discipline.  Master has a couple of belts, but W/we have discussed getting more with varying textures.  For now, Master has flat and smooth but solid leather belts.  Hearing the tiny clanking of the buckle in Masters hand definitely adds to the anticipation.  The belt offers little by way of versatility in spanking, but is highly effective. With each smack, the belt leaves my bottom red and warm.

The Hairbrush

Master usually uses a hairbrush out of convenience.  i think for Master it fits so well in His hand by the handle that it provides more control.  Personally, i have found the hairbrush to have less of a sting on the skin, but definitely creates a deeper impact feeling.  The sound is totally different with brush. Where most implements W/we have used create a snapping sound, the brush sounds more like a popping sound.  i don’t believe this falls on either of my short lists or implements. (Most loved/Most Dispised)

The Wooden Handle

This is just a handle of a long wooden bath brush.  This is another implement that Master uses out of convenience when W/we are in the bathroom.  It is long and skinny at the top but wider closer to Master.  This doesn’t seem to hurt like the others (though it could be just because Master may not use it the same as the others.) When my body is wet from a shower and this handle comes crashing into my ass cheek i definitely feel it! The handle doesn’t seem to be as loud as other implements, but does have a certain scary effect for me.  Just the idea of being spanked with a long piece of wood makes me straighten up my act a bit.

The Cookie Spatula

This spatula is a large, round metal spatula made for picking up a batch of cookies off a baking sheet.  When W/we ordered it, W/we fully intended on eating more cookies.  But once Master had it in His hand, W/we exchanged a knowing look.  This spatula covers a wider area than any of the other implements. It is slightly larger than Masters hand fully stretched. This makes it a good implement for when Master wants my hind end red quickly.  On my end, the spatula offers very little flexibility (like a belt or hand can kind of pull back a bit on impact) so it leaves a more lasting sting. It is slightly heavy as well which gives it a deep impact feeling as well. (This is probably my least favorite spanking implement used so far for punishment.)

The Flogger

This one is new.  Master chose Himself a leather flogger recently.  i had (silly me) kind of snickered at the time thinking that cloggers don’t do much damage.  Being that this is the first on this list that is made for spanking, Master probably enjoys this handle in His hand the most because He can wrap His fist around it.  When i first ran my fingers through the flogger, i thought surely this is too soft and flexible to cause pain. But the first time it made contact with my bum i was rather surprised.  Because of the many points of impact and the flexibility, it offered quite a scratchy feel. A few more lashes with the flogger created quite a burning sensation on my rosy red cheeks.

The Crop

Another birthday present of Master’s choosing is the crop. He choose a long brown one with a little leather tab.  Not realizing what i was getting myself into, i snickered when Master chose it.  However, once the crop and i became formally acquainted, i believe have found my newest least favorite.  It seems the crop offers a combination of the sting, the impact, and the snap.  All of these coming together in such a harsh manner (even during funishment) makes me rather nervous.

i hope my mini reviews are helpful and informative.  I am wondering if anyone else has found these same effects from these implements.  Please share your experiences with these or any other implementsin the comments section below.

What a Real Spanking Feels Like

So it happened.  i was fully aware that i messed up.  Master knew it, i knew it.  When Master instructed me to strip and prepare for punishment, there was clearly a difference this time. What has always hurt my heart, and stung my bottom was about to be worse than ever before.  Master had such a confident and determine air about Him.

As i laid across His bed and prepared for the worst, i felt this wave of fear come across me like i had never experienced during a punishment from Him before.  Expecting a small warm up lash with His belt, i prepared.

As the belt came swiftly and hard i heard it crack upon my bare bottom and felt the sting much deeper than every before.  Master watched as my body trembled and shook with slight shock of the powerful blow.

As Master told me to never disrespect Him again, i agreed- hoping to soften the next blow.  Then swiftly i heard and felt the next impact.  my rear end feeling like it was on fire, my body trying to crawl away from the pain, my mind knowing i needed to stay put, and my mouth apologizing through pained moans.

One by one the belt hit harder and faster than i had ever known before. With each smack i gripped onto the bedsheets with my fists tighter trying to diffuse some of the pain.  my little wimped grew slightly with each sting until it was one long moan of pain.  Master, knowing that i was done, reminded me of who He is and that He demands my respect-ALWAYS.  i turned to face Him, my head lowered, and thanked Him for my punishment and apologized for acting like i did.

Not that it should matter the force of the punishment, but i am now fully aware that my Master has in fact come into His own and that each punishment from here on out will leave a lasting affect on my mind and my body.

What is the Toughest Punishment i Have to Deal With?

This is such a great question. Honestly, every punishment offers a great deal of difficulty because i know it means i have disappointed Master.  Because Master incorporates many different kinds of punishments, i find many of them difficult in different ways.

Emotionally, i would have to say that being denied the privilege of serving Master is most difficult. To know that i have disappointed Him so much that He feels it best to not have me serve Him is absolutely awful.  It makes feel sad, ashamed, and lost.

On a humiliation level, having write about my transgressions is absolutely the worst.  In the past Master has had me write about what i did wrong, why it was wrong, what i should have done, and why i won’t do it again. These writing assignments are awful. The entire time i am writing it, i know the answers and i know that i knew better from the beginning. These are humiliating for me because it is embarrassing to know that i made a mistake that was totally unnecessary.

Physical pain is also very tough.  Master has used a variety of implements for my spankings. This far Master has used His hand, a hairbrush, His belt, a metal spatula and the wooden handle of a bath brush. i will be and say that i have not felt the full force of all these implements. Master took a while to get used to the idea of inflicting physical pain on me (a result of 30 years of being told to never hit a girl.) Lately, Master has really come to understand the importance of the pain within O/our dynamic.  Master chooses the belt most often as it is handy.  my least favorite is the metal spatula as it is very large and covers a great deal of skin. The spatula offers a swift sting over a large area and offers no flexibility to soften the blow.

Every single punishment is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be very effective.  Each and every punishment leaves me feeling ashamed but loved. (For more on my feelings during punishment please read this blog post.) Master is always looking for more punishment ideas to add to his arsenal, so please feel free to share you favorite punishments, or least favorite as the case may be, in the comments section below.

(thanks STAR for the great question. i enjoyed really thinking about the different punishments and putting my thoughts on paper.)

Why is Positive Reinforcement Important in my M/s relationship?

Positive reinforcement is a vital training tool within O/our Master/slave relationship.  Discipline is often thought to be only punishing mistakes.  However, in O/our relationship Master finds it also important to incorporate positive reinforcement for a job well done.

Master’s wise decision to also reward good behavior helps me as his slave on many levels.  The first is that similar to punishment imprinting the infraction on my mind, positive reinforcement allows for a job well done to stick out in my mind and encourages me to repeat the desired task/behavior. (To read more on punishment within O/our dynamic, read this blog post.) Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that’ll survive reinforcement of desired behavior is the most effective training tool.

Too often in life we, as people, forget to address the good.  By remembering the good in O/our dynamic Master is better able to enjoy O/our relationship and allow me to enjoy it more as well.  When W/we focus only on mistakes, it creates a cycle of more mistakes and could theoretically create a perpetually negative look on O/our relationship and eventually each other.

Additionally, a little reward for a job well done helps U/us to prevent me becoming “burnt out.” A topic i have come across many times within discussions of BDSM relationship is sub burn out.  It is easy to see how a person could become burnt out when expending all of their efforts to please another person.  However, when Master rewards me for a job well done, i am able to take a deep breath and know that my efforts are appreciated and noticed.  The memory of these small reminder is a very valuable thing on days i struggle to get motivated to complete my chores or to maintain my composure when upset about something.

Some ways that Master provides positive reinforcement in O/our relationship are:

• A nice massage
• Fettish play
• A nice  FUNishment spanking
• Allowing orgasm
• Washing me in the shower
• Brushing my hair
• Volunteering to do one of my chores (usually the dishes after dinner)
• A special gift (flowers or something small)
• Saying a simple, “Very good job.” Or, “Thank you.”

Why is Punishment Necessary in my M/s Relationship?

While not every Master/slave relationship incorporates punishment, it works very well for Master and i. There is truly a difference in discipline and punishment, though the two often go hand in hand and many people use the terms interchangably.  Discipline in a Master/slave relationship is about teaching the slave what is right and wrong as well as control of the slave’s self and emotions.  Punishment can be an important part of teaching these things.

Master often uses spanking as a punishment and has begun to incorporate other things as well.  i will include a list of possible punishments at the end for easy reference.  Punishment takes the lessons further for me.  Rather than just praising my good deeds and behaviors, Master uses punishment to reinforce when something is wrong.  This helps the infraction to stand out in my mind and to help deter me from continuing the same misbehavior in the future.  Punishment is not fun for me, and is down right embarrassing for me. (For more on my feelings when being corrected read this blog post.)

While i greatly dislike punishment, i understand that it is a helpful training tool for Master. Without it, i feel that i would make the same mistakes more as it would fade away in my mind.  That being said, i strive for the day when punishment is no longer needed.  That day will mean that i am able to please Master flawlessly.
Some punishments Master has used, or we have discussed are:

• Spankings with various tools (different than play spankings these a fierce, quick, and without warm up)
• Time out in my naughty corner to reflect on how i have displeased Master
• Cold showers (with or without allowing a towel to dry off)
• Sexual acts i am not particularly fond of
• Writing assignments
• Restriction of cell phone use
• Restriction of free time
• Extra tasks added to my chore list
• Orgasm restriction for a set amount of time or forced extended orgasm

How Does Correction Make me Feel?

When i have not completed my duties to Master, or i have been disrespectful to Master, it is necessary for Master to discipline me.  Usually, this includes a punishment of some kind.(For more on why punishment is necessary in O/our relationship, please read this blog post.)   i understand that this is an important part of O/our relationship.  The short answer to how this makes me feel is ashamed and loved.

The primary feeing during and after discipline and correction is shame.  i am ashamed that i have disappointed Master.  Master does so much can for me, and when i do not live up to the standards he has set it greatly disturbs me.  i know my rules, and what is expected of me. Master doesn’t ask more of me than i am able to do, so there is really no excuse for my needing to be corrected. i also feel shame that my actions caused Master to go against His want to not punish me.

Discipline and correction also make me feel loved.  Master does not enjoy having to correct and punish me.  However, Master does so out of love for me.  Master knows that in order for me to be fufilled in this relationship, my service should eventually become flawless (well, close to flawless- no one is perfect after all). When Master goes against the in grained theory that He should never treat me badly by society’s standard, it is an internal struggle.  With each smack or minute of punishment i know that Master is fighting Himself.  Why does He do it then? Because Master’s love for me is so strong.  i know this and feel it fully with each act of discipline- and i thank Him for it.