Surrendering ALL of myself

Within the Dominance and submission world of play there are many different kinds. Given, like anything in human nature it seems to be more of a sliding scale and fluid.  That being said, in my many hours of research early on i came across the idea that there are different “levels” of Dominance/submission.

What i found was that there are Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive and Master/slave, “levels.” These levels, from what i understand, have to do with the ammount of control exchanged. Within a Top/bottom dynamic, the Top makes decisions and is the Doer while the bottom has much more control of themselves and is the Doee. When moving into a Dominant/submissive role, there’s even more power and control handed over to the Dominant. That leaves the most control being given in a Master/slave dynamic. All of that being said, they are after all only labels and your dynamic is only what you make it regardless of the official title.

When Master and i began this journey we were very unaware of the overall lifestyle that comes with the BDSM community.  All of the information i initially found suggested that the difference in title was a VERY important decision and rather than being more fluid and unique they were hard fast RULES to the dynamic.  So, when i approached Master about the difference in the labels and which level of control He would like to have, it was not a decision made lightly.

Part of becoming a slave is relinquishing ALL control to your Master. Together, Master and i chose these labels as that is the power exchange W/we both envisioned when starting to fantasize about the future of O/our relationship.

Even though i had a crucial role in picking these titles, there were still (and still are today) some parts of myself i found more difficult to surrender.  It came completely naturally to surrender myself sexually to Master as that has always born my preference, even in the vanilla world. Surrendering my service (for example getting Master’s clothes ready for Him or making His food), also completely natural as doing for those i love is part of how naturally i show them that i care for them.  On the other hand surrendering household decisions, controlling my attitude, and learning to organize my time to take on extra things around the house was much more difficult to me.

Before Master and i entered into this dynamic W/we were just an ordinary couple. But even before that i was a single parent.  After years of making all of the important decisions  on my own, it had become a habit. When Master and i started living together i handed over some of the decision process to Him anyway, just a byproduct of a two-adult household. But when it came time to give Him ALL of the decision say-so, it was much harder.  The biggest reason that part is harder for me, is i just kind of make many decisions on my own and go with it-never even realizing a decision was made.  Then, if i do catch myself in advance i have to trust that Master is making the right decion.  Sometimes this is easy-he decides what i would so its no big deal.  Sometimes, he doesn’t make a decision i would.  Now, here’s where the fluidity of our dynamic comes in and possibly crosses the Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive “line.” Being that W/we do have children and we coparent on an even field, i do have some say so when it comes to decisions that affect them. But, i have to watch my attitude while voicing said opinion.

This is probably the absolute hardest part for me.  Not that i am naturally a mean or rude person, i am just not very used to not getting my way, and i am a Scorpio so that means i am overly passionate in ALL directions.  i often don’t realize i have a bit of an attitude problem when not getting my way- until its too late. That being said, i do believe i have improved and i hope that when Master reads this, He will agree. But learning to contain my raw emotion is difficult for me.

Another issue i have had is fitting everything together into my day.  On the surface i know that what Master asks me to complete in a day is really not much. However, when you have children, pets, work, school, etc. there are many monkey wrenches just waiting to foul you up your plans.  Over the past year, i have learned to plan for those things to happen and to have a general back up plan in mind.  Even this may not seem so diffcult to most people but it is truly a struggle for me as i am not a natural planner.

The only other part that i find rather difficult to deal with mentally is submitting to punishment. Punishment is definitely part of the dynamic, and in my option it is essential in our case. i do not argue with Master when i know i have earned myself a punishment, however, i do have trouble with it. The first couple of times I received a punishment- not funishment- i remember once curling into a ball once and panicking completely, another time i got really mad and told Master it wasn’t right to hit me so hard and ran out of the room.  Both times, after a few minutes i realized that i definitely over reacted and i did in fact deserve my punishment.  Adjusting to being able to see immediately that Master is not enjoying punishment either and that it is necessary has been difficult.  i hope that i am improving in this area as well 🙂

As always, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer or something you’d like to learn more about let m know in the comments and i will do my best to address those ideas in a future post.

 

What is the Toughest Punishment i Have to Deal With?

This is such a great question. Honestly, every punishment offers a great deal of difficulty because i know it means i have disappointed Master.  Because Master incorporates many different kinds of punishments, i find many of them difficult in different ways.

Emotionally, i would have to say that being denied the privilege of serving Master is most difficult. To know that i have disappointed Him so much that He feels it best to not have me serve Him is absolutely awful.  It makes feel sad, ashamed, and lost.

On a humiliation level, having write about my transgressions is absolutely the worst.  In the past Master has had me write about what i did wrong, why it was wrong, what i should have done, and why i won’t do it again. These writing assignments are awful. The entire time i am writing it, i know the answers and i know that i knew better from the beginning. These are humiliating for me because it is embarrassing to know that i made a mistake that was totally unnecessary.

Physical pain is also very tough.  Master has used a variety of implements for my spankings. This far Master has used His hand, a hairbrush, His belt, a metal spatula and the wooden handle of a bath brush. i will be and say that i have not felt the full force of all these implements. Master took a while to get used to the idea of inflicting physical pain on me (a result of 30 years of being told to never hit a girl.) Lately, Master has really come to understand the importance of the pain within O/our dynamic.  Master chooses the belt most often as it is handy.  my least favorite is the metal spatula as it is very large and covers a great deal of skin. The spatula offers a swift sting over a large area and offers no flexibility to soften the blow.

Every single punishment is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be very effective.  Each and every punishment leaves me feeling ashamed but loved. (For more on my feelings during punishment please read this blog post.) Master is always looking for more punishment ideas to add to his arsenal, so please feel free to share you favorite punishments, or least favorite as the case may be, in the comments section below.

(thanks STAR for the great question. i enjoyed really thinking about the different punishments and putting my thoughts on paper.)

Why is Positive Reinforcement Important in my M/s relationship?

Positive reinforcement is a vital training tool within O/our Master/slave relationship.  Discipline is often thought to be only punishing mistakes.  However, in O/our relationship Master finds it also important to incorporate positive reinforcement for a job well done.

Master’s wise decision to also reward good behavior helps me as his slave on many levels.  The first is that similar to punishment imprinting the infraction on my mind, positive reinforcement allows for a job well done to stick out in my mind and encourages me to repeat the desired task/behavior. (To read more on punishment within O/our dynamic, read this blog post.) Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that’ll survive reinforcement of desired behavior is the most effective training tool.

Too often in life we, as people, forget to address the good.  By remembering the good in O/our dynamic Master is better able to enjoy O/our relationship and allow me to enjoy it more as well.  When W/we focus only on mistakes, it creates a cycle of more mistakes and could theoretically create a perpetually negative look on O/our relationship and eventually each other.

Additionally, a little reward for a job well done helps U/us to prevent me becoming “burnt out.” A topic i have come across many times within discussions of BDSM relationship is sub burn out.  It is easy to see how a person could become burnt out when expending all of their efforts to please another person.  However, when Master rewards me for a job well done, i am able to take a deep breath and know that my efforts are appreciated and noticed.  The memory of these small reminder is a very valuable thing on days i struggle to get motivated to complete my chores or to maintain my composure when upset about something.

Some ways that Master provides positive reinforcement in O/our relationship are:

• A nice massage
• Fettish play
• A nice  FUNishment spanking
• Allowing orgasm
• Washing me in the shower
• Brushing my hair
• Volunteering to do one of my chores (usually the dishes after dinner)
• A special gift (flowers or something small)
• Saying a simple, “Very good job.” Or, “Thank you.”

How Important is Structure in a M/s Relationship?

Structure is one of the most important factors in O/our Master/slave relationship. i feel that it is second only to communication.  Having structure equates to security in my role.  By knowing what is expected of me and when i am better able to serve Master.  If my expectations were based on Master’s whim i would never know how to please Master, our what to expect. This would end up leaving both Master and i frustrated and almost never on the same page.

There is structure not only in my role, but also in my tasks.  Without completing my tasks in a structured way, i would probably be unable to get them completed. Master helped me to decide when each chore should be completed, and by following those recommendations i am able quickly get through my daily chores.

The bottom line is that in almost any relationship there is some form of structure, even if it is a lack of structure.  In a Master/slave relationship structure is imperative to keeping everyone on the same page, feeling secure within their roles, and getting done what needs to be taken care of.

What Ownership means to me?

In today’s society, women are encourage to be independent, equal partners to their spouses.  In my opinion, while a woman should know her strength and should be able to live on her own, there is a certain strength and freedom that comes from belonging to my Master.  Having been a single parent and used to being everything for everyone at all times, i found it truly exhausting and always felt like not enough.  When Master agreed to make the transition from being my fiancée to being my Master, a great deal of pressure can off of my shoulders.  Now, i trust that Master will help me to spend my time wisely and make sure that everything is done when it needs to be.  By giving up the control and the responsibility, i am able to still do everything i would be otherwise, but in a more fulfilling and meaningful way.

Many people think of women as being irrational, emotional, demanding, and over controlling.  i will admit, i fit these stereotypes when our relationship began.  Over time i have become better at controlling my emotions and i have learned to better communicate with my Master.   A Master/slave relationship eliminates many of the “typical” relationships struggles and requires a clear line of communication between partners.  This has truly been the quiet blessing W/we weren’t expecting.

Also, i believe that a family functions better with a traditional dynamic with the man as the head of household.  When there is a conflict, the final decision belongs to Master.  i trust that he will make the best decision for U/us at the time.  This isn’t to say i don’t get to voice my opinion, Master is very thoughtful and often asks for my opinion, and usually goes with my first choice.

Even though many people worry about what you give up when you give someone else control of your being, i have gained so much!! It truly is only in serving Master that i have ever felt so free.