Loving Dom vs. abuse?

With so much in O/our relationship revolving around control, spankings, humiliation, and using of my body, it is easy for someone to come to the idea that this may be an abusive dynmaic rather than a loving one.  So many of the aspects of BDSM in general could be misused in an abusive way. That beings said, the simple way to tell the difference lies in consent.  Before venturing into this dynamic, Master and i discussed limits and comfort zones. Also, before Master and i try something new, we discuss it beforehand.  Another key is safe words. Though i rarely use them, i know that if i do use them, Master will respect them.

Master and i have a relationship built on love and respect.  Master may use “degrading words” or bark commands to me, but he doesn’t ever disrespect me.  Master loves and dares me. He cares for me and protects me. He pushes my limits ONLY when i am okay with them being pushed- in fact, if i am being completely honest, more times than not i am asking Him to push His limits for me during playtime.

Many abusive partners demand control, use hurtful words, physical intimidation and pain to weaken their partners. There are also people in the BDSM world that use their “kinks” as a way excuse abusive behavior. When looking into beginning a dynamic with someone new, watch the way the treat you prior to beginning. Someone that demands obedience before you agree to submit to them, that can be a major red flag.

Surrendering ALL of myself

Within the Dominance and submission world of play there are many different kinds. Given, like anything in human nature it seems to be more of a sliding scale and fluid.  That being said, in my many hours of research early on i came across the idea that there are different “levels” of Dominance/submission.

What i found was that there are Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive and Master/slave, “levels.” These levels, from what i understand, have to do with the ammount of control exchanged. Within a Top/bottom dynamic, the Top makes decisions and is the Doer while the bottom has much more control of themselves and is the Doee. When moving into a Dominant/submissive role, there’s even more power and control handed over to the Dominant. That leaves the most control being given in a Master/slave dynamic. All of that being said, they are after all only labels and your dynamic is only what you make it regardless of the official title.

When Master and i began this journey we were very unaware of the overall lifestyle that comes with the BDSM community.  All of the information i initially found suggested that the difference in title was a VERY important decision and rather than being more fluid and unique they were hard fast RULES to the dynamic.  So, when i approached Master about the difference in the labels and which level of control He would like to have, it was not a decision made lightly.

Part of becoming a slave is relinquishing ALL control to your Master. Together, Master and i chose these labels as that is the power exchange W/we both envisioned when starting to fantasize about the future of O/our relationship.

Even though i had a crucial role in picking these titles, there were still (and still are today) some parts of myself i found more difficult to surrender.  It came completely naturally to surrender myself sexually to Master as that has always born my preference, even in the vanilla world. Surrendering my service (for example getting Master’s clothes ready for Him or making His food), also completely natural as doing for those i love is part of how naturally i show them that i care for them.  On the other hand surrendering household decisions, controlling my attitude, and learning to organize my time to take on extra things around the house was much more difficult to me.

Before Master and i entered into this dynamic W/we were just an ordinary couple. But even before that i was a single parent.  After years of making all of the important decisions  on my own, it had become a habit. When Master and i started living together i handed over some of the decision process to Him anyway, just a byproduct of a two-adult household. But when it came time to give Him ALL of the decision say-so, it was much harder.  The biggest reason that part is harder for me, is i just kind of make many decisions on my own and go with it-never even realizing a decision was made.  Then, if i do catch myself in advance i have to trust that Master is making the right decion.  Sometimes this is easy-he decides what i would so its no big deal.  Sometimes, he doesn’t make a decision i would.  Now, here’s where the fluidity of our dynamic comes in and possibly crosses the Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive “line.” Being that W/we do have children and we coparent on an even field, i do have some say so when it comes to decisions that affect them. But, i have to watch my attitude while voicing said opinion.

This is probably the absolute hardest part for me.  Not that i am naturally a mean or rude person, i am just not very used to not getting my way, and i am a Scorpio so that means i am overly passionate in ALL directions.  i often don’t realize i have a bit of an attitude problem when not getting my way- until its too late. That being said, i do believe i have improved and i hope that when Master reads this, He will agree. But learning to contain my raw emotion is difficult for me.

Another issue i have had is fitting everything together into my day.  On the surface i know that what Master asks me to complete in a day is really not much. However, when you have children, pets, work, school, etc. there are many monkey wrenches just waiting to foul you up your plans.  Over the past year, i have learned to plan for those things to happen and to have a general back up plan in mind.  Even this may not seem so diffcult to most people but it is truly a struggle for me as i am not a natural planner.

The only other part that i find rather difficult to deal with mentally is submitting to punishment. Punishment is definitely part of the dynamic, and in my option it is essential in our case. i do not argue with Master when i know i have earned myself a punishment, however, i do have trouble with it. The first couple of times I received a punishment- not funishment- i remember once curling into a ball once and panicking completely, another time i got really mad and told Master it wasn’t right to hit me so hard and ran out of the room.  Both times, after a few minutes i realized that i definitely over reacted and i did in fact deserve my punishment.  Adjusting to being able to see immediately that Master is not enjoying punishment either and that it is necessary has been difficult.  i hope that i am improving in this area as well 🙂

As always, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer or something you’d like to learn more about let m know in the comments and i will do my best to address those ideas in a future post.

 

What a Real Spanking Feels Like

So it happened.  i was fully aware that i messed up.  Master knew it, i knew it.  When Master instructed me to strip and prepare for punishment, there was clearly a difference this time. What has always hurt my heart, and stung my bottom was about to be worse than ever before.  Master had such a confident and determine air about Him.

As i laid across His bed and prepared for the worst, i felt this wave of fear come across me like i had never experienced during a punishment from Him before.  Expecting a small warm up lash with His belt, i prepared.

As the belt came swiftly and hard i heard it crack upon my bare bottom and felt the sting much deeper than every before.  Master watched as my body trembled and shook with slight shock of the powerful blow.

As Master told me to never disrespect Him again, i agreed- hoping to soften the next blow.  Then swiftly i heard and felt the next impact.  my rear end feeling like it was on fire, my body trying to crawl away from the pain, my mind knowing i needed to stay put, and my mouth apologizing through pained moans.

One by one the belt hit harder and faster than i had ever known before. With each smack i gripped onto the bedsheets with my fists tighter trying to diffuse some of the pain.  my little wimped grew slightly with each sting until it was one long moan of pain.  Master, knowing that i was done, reminded me of who He is and that He demands my respect-ALWAYS.  i turned to face Him, my head lowered, and thanked Him for my punishment and apologized for acting like i did.

Not that it should matter the force of the punishment, but i am now fully aware that my Master has in fact come into His own and that each punishment from here on out will leave a lasting affect on my mind and my body.

What is the Toughest Punishment i Have to Deal With?

This is such a great question. Honestly, every punishment offers a great deal of difficulty because i know it means i have disappointed Master.  Because Master incorporates many different kinds of punishments, i find many of them difficult in different ways.

Emotionally, i would have to say that being denied the privilege of serving Master is most difficult. To know that i have disappointed Him so much that He feels it best to not have me serve Him is absolutely awful.  It makes feel sad, ashamed, and lost.

On a humiliation level, having write about my transgressions is absolutely the worst.  In the past Master has had me write about what i did wrong, why it was wrong, what i should have done, and why i won’t do it again. These writing assignments are awful. The entire time i am writing it, i know the answers and i know that i knew better from the beginning. These are humiliating for me because it is embarrassing to know that i made a mistake that was totally unnecessary.

Physical pain is also very tough.  Master has used a variety of implements for my spankings. This far Master has used His hand, a hairbrush, His belt, a metal spatula and the wooden handle of a bath brush. i will be and say that i have not felt the full force of all these implements. Master took a while to get used to the idea of inflicting physical pain on me (a result of 30 years of being told to never hit a girl.) Lately, Master has really come to understand the importance of the pain within O/our dynamic.  Master chooses the belt most often as it is handy.  my least favorite is the metal spatula as it is very large and covers a great deal of skin. The spatula offers a swift sting over a large area and offers no flexibility to soften the blow.

Every single punishment is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be very effective.  Each and every punishment leaves me feeling ashamed but loved. (For more on my feelings during punishment please read this blog post.) Master is always looking for more punishment ideas to add to his arsenal, so please feel free to share you favorite punishments, or least favorite as the case may be, in the comments section below.

(thanks STAR for the great question. i enjoyed really thinking about the different punishments and putting my thoughts on paper.)

Why is Positive Reinforcement Important in my M/s relationship?

Positive reinforcement is a vital training tool within O/our Master/slave relationship.  Discipline is often thought to be only punishing mistakes.  However, in O/our relationship Master finds it also important to incorporate positive reinforcement for a job well done.

Master’s wise decision to also reward good behavior helps me as his slave on many levels.  The first is that similar to punishment imprinting the infraction on my mind, positive reinforcement allows for a job well done to stick out in my mind and encourages me to repeat the desired task/behavior. (To read more on punishment within O/our dynamic, read this blog post.) Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that’ll survive reinforcement of desired behavior is the most effective training tool.

Too often in life we, as people, forget to address the good.  By remembering the good in O/our dynamic Master is better able to enjoy O/our relationship and allow me to enjoy it more as well.  When W/we focus only on mistakes, it creates a cycle of more mistakes and could theoretically create a perpetually negative look on O/our relationship and eventually each other.

Additionally, a little reward for a job well done helps U/us to prevent me becoming “burnt out.” A topic i have come across many times within discussions of BDSM relationship is sub burn out.  It is easy to see how a person could become burnt out when expending all of their efforts to please another person.  However, when Master rewards me for a job well done, i am able to take a deep breath and know that my efforts are appreciated and noticed.  The memory of these small reminder is a very valuable thing on days i struggle to get motivated to complete my chores or to maintain my composure when upset about something.

Some ways that Master provides positive reinforcement in O/our relationship are:

• A nice massage
• Fettish play
• A nice  FUNishment spanking
• Allowing orgasm
• Washing me in the shower
• Brushing my hair
• Volunteering to do one of my chores (usually the dishes after dinner)
• A special gift (flowers or something small)
• Saying a simple, “Very good job.” Or, “Thank you.”

Why is Punishment Necessary in my M/s Relationship?

While not every Master/slave relationship incorporates punishment, it works very well for Master and i. There is truly a difference in discipline and punishment, though the two often go hand in hand and many people use the terms interchangably.  Discipline in a Master/slave relationship is about teaching the slave what is right and wrong as well as control of the slave’s self and emotions.  Punishment can be an important part of teaching these things.

Master often uses spanking as a punishment and has begun to incorporate other things as well.  i will include a list of possible punishments at the end for easy reference.  Punishment takes the lessons further for me.  Rather than just praising my good deeds and behaviors, Master uses punishment to reinforce when something is wrong.  This helps the infraction to stand out in my mind and to help deter me from continuing the same misbehavior in the future.  Punishment is not fun for me, and is down right embarrassing for me. (For more on my feelings when being corrected read this blog post.)

While i greatly dislike punishment, i understand that it is a helpful training tool for Master. Without it, i feel that i would make the same mistakes more as it would fade away in my mind.  That being said, i strive for the day when punishment is no longer needed.  That day will mean that i am able to please Master flawlessly.
Some punishments Master has used, or we have discussed are:

• Spankings with various tools (different than play spankings these a fierce, quick, and without warm up)
• Time out in my naughty corner to reflect on how i have displeased Master
• Cold showers (with or without allowing a towel to dry off)
• Sexual acts i am not particularly fond of
• Writing assignments
• Restriction of cell phone use
• Restriction of free time
• Extra tasks added to my chore list
• Orgasm restriction for a set amount of time or forced extended orgasm

How Does Correction Make me Feel?

When i have not completed my duties to Master, or i have been disrespectful to Master, it is necessary for Master to discipline me.  Usually, this includes a punishment of some kind.(For more on why punishment is necessary in O/our relationship, please read this blog post.)   i understand that this is an important part of O/our relationship.  The short answer to how this makes me feel is ashamed and loved.

The primary feeing during and after discipline and correction is shame.  i am ashamed that i have disappointed Master.  Master does so much can for me, and when i do not live up to the standards he has set it greatly disturbs me.  i know my rules, and what is expected of me. Master doesn’t ask more of me than i am able to do, so there is really no excuse for my needing to be corrected. i also feel shame that my actions caused Master to go against His want to not punish me.

Discipline and correction also make me feel loved.  Master does not enjoy having to correct and punish me.  However, Master does so out of love for me.  Master knows that in order for me to be fufilled in this relationship, my service should eventually become flawless (well, close to flawless- no one is perfect after all). When Master goes against the in grained theory that He should never treat me badly by society’s standard, it is an internal struggle.  With each smack or minute of punishment i know that Master is fighting Himself.  Why does He do it then? Because Master’s love for me is so strong.  i know this and feel it fully with each act of discipline- and i thank Him for it.