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Belonging to Master

Our BDSM adventure

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Discussions of Ownership

Religion and Master/slave dynamic

In Honor of Easter this past weekend, i would like to take a moment to discuss hoe Christianity works with my “super taboo” lifestyle.

In society, BDSM is very much too taboo for regular conversation. But, in many ways it is also very traditional, for U/us anyway.  BDSM is becoming less and less taboo in society as we can see from the rise in popularity of 50 shades, the increase in availability of restraints in adult toy stores, websites like fetlife, and an overall liberation with sexual preference across the board.

Many people think that all things sexual are bad in the eyes of Christianity.  The idea that pleasure is sin is pretty ingrained in the minds of many people, both religious and otherwise.  However, i believe differently. i believe that staying firm in my faith is not a contradiction to O/our relationship.  For one thing, in the Bible, it is suggested that we “go forth and mutliply.” Additionally, if we are to believe that God made us and the world in perfect reason, why would sexuality be derived throughout the entire body?

When a man and a woman become “husband and wife” it is worded in a way that sets up a hierarchy of serving and responsibility.  God is at the head of the hierarchy, with the Husband serving God and protecting and caring for those beneath him on the hierarchy. Next comes the wife, who is to serve her husband and protect and care for the children. This is a perfect fit for Master and i within our dynamic.  As a Dominant, it is His job to protect and care for His submissive.  He takes on the responsibility to make decisions and to provide guidance and direction to His submissive. As His submissive, i serve His will while also assuming the most direct responsibility for O/our home and children.

What if you are Christian and do not fit the male Dominant/female submissive roles?  Don’t worry!! My personal beliefs on this are that God knows your heart, and Jesus has atoned for your in ability to fit the “perfect” expectation many people use in an attempt to get us all to conform.

 

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Loving Dom vs. abuse?

With so much in O/our relationship revolving around control, spankings, humiliation, and using of my body, it is easy for someone to come to the idea that this may be an abusive dynmaic rather than a loving one.  So many of the aspects of BDSM in general could be misused in an abusive way. That beings said, the simple way to tell the difference lies in consent.  Before venturing into this dynamic, Master and i discussed limits and comfort zones. Also, before Master and i try something new, we discuss it beforehand.  Another key is safe words. Though i rarely use them, i know that if i do use them, Master will respect them.

Master and i have a relationship built on love and respect.  Master may use “degrading words” or bark commands to me, but he doesn’t ever disrespect me.  Master loves and dares me. He cares for me and protects me. He pushes my limits ONLY when i am okay with them being pushed- in fact, if i am being completely honest, more times than not i am asking Him to push His limits for me during playtime.

Many abusive partners demand control, use hurtful words, physical intimidation and pain to weaken their partners. There are also people in the BDSM world that use their “kinks” as a way excuse abusive behavior. When looking into beginning a dynamic with someone new, watch the way the treat you prior to beginning. Someone that demands obedience before you agree to submit to them, that can be a major red flag.

Loving names

i have spent a great deal of time here discussing how Master and i came to get our respective roles and titles. But, i don’t believe i have discussed other names used rather than just Master and slave.

To start, the names i am to call Master are as follows:

  • Master
  • Sir
  • My love (to be used only in public situations)
  • Baby (again to be used only in public)

 

Master on the other hand has many many names for me, and uses them in a variety of situations.

  • slave
  • submissive
  • baby
  • slut
  • bitch
  • dirty slut
  • whore

 

While the first couple are rather straight forward, a few on that list have a very negative connotation to most of the world.  To me these words mean differently than something negative. To be called these words is actually a good thing, it fills me with pride to know that Master uses me as His slut or whore.  Traditionally speaking these words mean someone who is used for sexual pleasure with little need of romance in return.  It is my aspiration for Master to use me as He sees fit, including in a sexual way. As far as being called His bitch, it shows me that he views me as loyal and unconditionally his- just like a dog 🙂

In actuality all of these words serve to remind me that i belong entirely to Him, and that is a fantastic feeling ❤

Surrendering ALL of myself

Within the Dominance and submission world of play there are many different kinds. Given, like anything in human nature it seems to be more of a sliding scale and fluid.  That being said, in my many hours of research early on i came across the idea that there are different “levels” of Dominance/submission.

What i found was that there are Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive and Master/slave, “levels.” These levels, from what i understand, have to do with the ammount of control exchanged. Within a Top/bottom dynamic, the Top makes decisions and is the Doer while the bottom has much more control of themselves and is the Doee. When moving into a Dominant/submissive role, there’s even more power and control handed over to the Dominant. That leaves the most control being given in a Master/slave dynamic. All of that being said, they are after all only labels and your dynamic is only what you make it regardless of the official title.

When Master and i began this journey we were very unaware of the overall lifestyle that comes with the BDSM community.  All of the information i initially found suggested that the difference in title was a VERY important decision and rather than being more fluid and unique they were hard fast RULES to the dynamic.  So, when i approached Master about the difference in the labels and which level of control He would like to have, it was not a decision made lightly.

Part of becoming a slave is relinquishing ALL control to your Master. Together, Master and i chose these labels as that is the power exchange W/we both envisioned when starting to fantasize about the future of O/our relationship.

Even though i had a crucial role in picking these titles, there were still (and still are today) some parts of myself i found more difficult to surrender.  It came completely naturally to surrender myself sexually to Master as that has always born my preference, even in the vanilla world. Surrendering my service (for example getting Master’s clothes ready for Him or making His food), also completely natural as doing for those i love is part of how naturally i show them that i care for them.  On the other hand surrendering household decisions, controlling my attitude, and learning to organize my time to take on extra things around the house was much more difficult to me.

Before Master and i entered into this dynamic W/we were just an ordinary couple. But even before that i was a single parent.  After years of making all of the important decisions  on my own, it had become a habit. When Master and i started living together i handed over some of the decision process to Him anyway, just a byproduct of a two-adult household. But when it came time to give Him ALL of the decision say-so, it was much harder.  The biggest reason that part is harder for me, is i just kind of make many decisions on my own and go with it-never even realizing a decision was made.  Then, if i do catch myself in advance i have to trust that Master is making the right decion.  Sometimes this is easy-he decides what i would so its no big deal.  Sometimes, he doesn’t make a decision i would.  Now, here’s where the fluidity of our dynamic comes in and possibly crosses the Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive “line.” Being that W/we do have children and we coparent on an even field, i do have some say so when it comes to decisions that affect them. But, i have to watch my attitude while voicing said opinion.

This is probably the absolute hardest part for me.  Not that i am naturally a mean or rude person, i am just not very used to not getting my way, and i am a Scorpio so that means i am overly passionate in ALL directions.  i often don’t realize i have a bit of an attitude problem when not getting my way- until its too late. That being said, i do believe i have improved and i hope that when Master reads this, He will agree. But learning to contain my raw emotion is difficult for me.

Another issue i have had is fitting everything together into my day.  On the surface i know that what Master asks me to complete in a day is really not much. However, when you have children, pets, work, school, etc. there are many monkey wrenches just waiting to foul you up your plans.  Over the past year, i have learned to plan for those things to happen and to have a general back up plan in mind.  Even this may not seem so diffcult to most people but it is truly a struggle for me as i am not a natural planner.

The only other part that i find rather difficult to deal with mentally is submitting to punishment. Punishment is definitely part of the dynamic, and in my option it is essential in our case. i do not argue with Master when i know i have earned myself a punishment, however, i do have trouble with it. The first couple of times I received a punishment- not funishment- i remember once curling into a ball once and panicking completely, another time i got really mad and told Master it wasn’t right to hit me so hard and ran out of the room.  Both times, after a few minutes i realized that i definitely over reacted and i did in fact deserve my punishment.  Adjusting to being able to see immediately that Master is not enjoying punishment either and that it is necessary has been difficult.  i hope that i am improving in this area as well 🙂

As always, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer or something you’d like to learn more about let m know in the comments and i will do my best to address those ideas in a future post.

 

Submitting once again

He is my Master, i am His slave. He is the decision maker, the strength, the firm guiding hand that keeps O/our life moving in the right direction. On the other hand, i am the listener, the one that obeys, the servant and the support that holds U/us together. Unfortunately, life gets hectic, and things happen that detract from the normal way of things. Master and i are human at the base of it all.

Over the past couple of years, Master and i have fallen in and out of the Master/slave dynamic.  Things like kids, work, bills, and family situations have caused us to pull back from our respective roles.  Until recently, we thought we needed a whole new set up, rules, protocol, etc ever time we left and came back.  This time i see that the problem hasn’t been O/our setup each time, but just a fact of life. This time, i have decided to stick with the regular program and just jump back in to where i am most comfortable- on my knees.

It is my hope that as W/we move forward each time this happens, W/we can continue to grow closer and more comfortable in O/our roles.  Previously, i believed that since W/we kept falling out of O/our dynamic in times of stress, illness, or personal turmoil it meant that W/we weren’t “true” Master/slave.  Recently, i read a wonderful piece of writing by someone on fetlife, (i unfortunately do not have the source, but am looking to find it again for proper recognition here).  This piece of writing suggested that it is totally normal for Dominants to feel less dominant at times, and that the best way to help a Dominant get back into their dominating ways is to support them and continue to fulfill your role as a submissive. When i was reading this post, i could feel guilt over take my heart.  i had failed to do this for Master.

Over time i started to expect my Master to just reassume the role when He was ready.  The problem with this has been that by me slipping so completely back out of my role i have essentially taken back the gift of my submission. Accidentally, i impressed upon Master that my submission is dependent upon His behavior. While it is hard to serve someone’s every command when they do not make any commands, there are many things i could have been doing the entire time to reinforce His dominance, even during times when he maybe wasn’t feeling very dominant.

One example of this would be to continue to call Him Sir or Master, even if He wasn’t asking or expecting me to.  Another would be to continue to ask His permission when i wished to do things that broke from the normal routine (like lunch with a friend.). Maybe if i had put a little more effort into maintaining the dynamic while W/we were on hiatus, it would not be so difficult to start up again.

On the other had, each time W/we revamp our relationship, everything feels new and exciting again.  i am very anxious to see where this goes from here.  i will make it a point to write my feelings out here more often, as i feel like the writing time is good for my mind and my soul and makes me that much better in service to Master.

i am always looking for new things to write about, so please leave comments and questions!!!

How Was The Transition From Vanilla Reltionship to Slave?

Another awesome question, submitted by STAR (thank you 😊)!  i would imagine the transition is very different for every person.  In my mind the change from fiancée to slave was like a light bulb went off.  We had very loving and awesome relationship already, however, i always felt like something was missing.  After years of being romantically involved, raising our two children together, and beginning to plan a wedding we had discussed over a million things and that missing piece never showed itself.

One night, while reading in an online forum, i came across someone discussing their Dominant/submissive relationship.  Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my mind, and i started asking a million questions. Then my google search began.  The more i read, the more i knew i had found the missing piece of myself.  

After days of reading i began what i anticipated would be a very awkward and humiliating conversation with my very vanilla (a term i had recently learned) fiancée.  i explained what i had read online and asked what He thought. He seemed a little put off, so i asked him to just do some reading on it and suggested W/we talk about it again.

A few days later, He still hadn’t gotten back to me about it, so i decided to test drive the idea. I remember that mornings perfectly.  W/we went out to breakfast. i let him choose the restaurant, i asked for His opinion on what i should eat, any time He asked for anything i jumped to get it done, etc.  Essentially, i put myself into the submissive role on my own.  

Master is no fool, so He caught on rather quickly.  He let me think i was tricking Him for almost all day.  Then He told me He knew what i was doing, and He liked it as well.  And that is where O/our story truly began.

The next few weeks were a blur of passing links, information, and ideas back and forth.  Between U/us W/we must’ve read over 100 different sites, blogs, posts and E-books. Then W/we sat together and wrote out O/ur first list of rules… They were very situation specific and left too much undiscussed. 

W/we started with a very light dynamic.  i wanted to jump in head first but Master needed more time to ease into it.  This was a very frustrating time, for both of U/us i believe. Additionally, in many areas, this was the first time i had relinquished control to Master.  I often had mini power struggles within myself while attempting to submit to Master. When He would miss something that happened,   i started breaking rules just to see if He would enforce them. As any one might, Master grew tired of my brat routine.  W/we have experienced periods where W/we slipped out of the dynamic and back into O/our vanilla selves.  

Each time W/we slipped out of the dynamic it got harder to get back into it.  i feel like W/we both felt defeated each time it happened.  Over time, W/we decided to put it into writing and thus, O/our contract was born.  i say that it was born because it is a living document. W/we both understand that as W/we grow and O/our relationship changes, some of the things in the dynamic will also change. 

It has been a roller coaster of emotions trying to find our sweet spots within O/our roles.  There have been days W/we are both totally motivated and focused on O/our dynamic.  There have also been days one or the other felt it was a lost cause. There have even been a few times i “quit” (though those almost always end in a pretty harsh punishment because rather than discussing the problem i grow frustrated and say that i quit). i am always quick to apologize and beg for forgiveness, however, these times do happen.  

Most of O/our “down time” is related to communication.  Sometimes there is a slight break down in communication between Master and i. When this tiny breakdown happens it creates a fast spiral and suddenly W/we aren’t on the same page anymore.  At this point, W/we just regroup, reassess and adjust and try to jump right back in rather than letting something little create a large gap in O/our dynamic.

i think like so many relationships, even in Domant/submissive relationships, you get this idea that it’s always going to be perfect (like the honeymoon period) but then inevitably, life- especially when you have children around- gets in the way. Sometimes when you don’t live up to that ideal it feels awful, but what i have realized is that Master and i need to remember that W/we are human and so long as W/we keep working at improving communication and connection O/our relationship will continue to flourish.  

What is the Toughest Punishment i Have to Deal With?

This is such a great question. Honestly, every punishment offers a great deal of difficulty because i know it means i have disappointed Master.  Because Master incorporates many different kinds of punishments, i find many of them difficult in different ways.

Emotionally, i would have to say that being denied the privilege of serving Master is most difficult. To know that i have disappointed Him so much that He feels it best to not have me serve Him is absolutely awful.  It makes feel sad, ashamed, and lost.

On a humiliation level, having write about my transgressions is absolutely the worst.  In the past Master has had me write about what i did wrong, why it was wrong, what i should have done, and why i won’t do it again. These writing assignments are awful. The entire time i am writing it, i know the answers and i know that i knew better from the beginning. These are humiliating for me because it is embarrassing to know that i made a mistake that was totally unnecessary.

Physical pain is also very tough.  Master has used a variety of implements for my spankings. This far Master has used His hand, a hairbrush, His belt, a metal spatula and the wooden handle of a bath brush. i will be and say that i have not felt the full force of all these implements. Master took a while to get used to the idea of inflicting physical pain on me (a result of 30 years of being told to never hit a girl.) Lately, Master has really come to understand the importance of the pain within O/our dynamic.  Master chooses the belt most often as it is handy.  my least favorite is the metal spatula as it is very large and covers a great deal of skin. The spatula offers a swift sting over a large area and offers no flexibility to soften the blow.

Every single punishment is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be very effective.  Each and every punishment leaves me feeling ashamed but loved. (For more on my feelings during punishment please read this blog post.) Master is always looking for more punishment ideas to add to his arsenal, so please feel free to share you favorite punishments, or least favorite as the case may be, in the comments section below.

(thanks STAR for the great question. i enjoyed really thinking about the different punishments and putting my thoughts on paper.)

Why is Being Dominated Something i Crave?

Yesterday’s post on Maintenance Spankings  got me thinking about why i crave Domination in general. When asked to describe myself i would normally say that i am strong willed, self reliant, independent thinking, smart, and loving; everything’s society expects of a wife and mother these days.  Society teaches girls from a young age that they should be strong yet sweet, polite yet sexual, mature yet light hearted, independent and a go getter, a full time business woman with a successful career, a flawless mom, a doting housewife; essentially to be everything to everyone.  

Many times women who choose to stay home and “only” care for their home, husbands, and children are viewed as weak and inferior.  They are often chatisized and looked down upon by other women, men and society in general.  This ideal woman who is all powerful is what i had always aimed to be. 

Being that i have considered myself a strong, independent woman, why do i feel this urgent need to be submissive to Master? i believe that, like most things within the human mind, the answer can be found on many levels, working together to create our inner most desires. In my opinion there is a biological component, a “traditional” societal component, a spiritual component, an emotional component, and, in my case, a personal history component. 

Let’s look at the biological aspects.  Animals rely on instinct for the survival of their species. When birds fly south for the winter for example, this is a vital instinct for the survival of their species.  All animals have an instinct to reproduce. For humans this historically meant that females provide young while Males take a mate and provide security for the off spring. When you look at the physical anatomy you see that Males are made to penetrate while females are to be penetrated.  For sperm to meet an egg, the Male must ejaculate, the female releases the egg regardless of female enjoyment. 

Additionally, scientists (forgive me i don’t recall the source, if anyone would like it drop a comment and i will find it) have studied why sex takes “so long.” The study found that evolutionarily speaking, the shape of the penis and the “competition” to last the longest may be a result of multiple Males ejaculating in the same female. They theoreticized that by using the shape of the penis and a longer time to ejaculation, Males were able to scoop out other semen and deposit their own.  

While the article doesn’t discuss female submission, it seems to me that it would suggest an evolutionary component of submitting to Males taking them. When you consider that it wasn’t until recent history that marital rape was even considered a crime within the US it could lead to the idea that women have for millions of years been given the only option of submitting to Males.  It seems, similar to the inate fear of snakes that even infants show, submission may be a partially ingrained instinct. 

While today’s society puts women and men on an equal playing field within the family dynamic, (if not putting women in a higher position) it’s not that long ago that Men were considered the boss of the home.  This to me is the ideal family set up.  The final decisions and responsibility are up to the Husband.  In my mind this dynamic would down on a certain amount of common marital disputes; and, so long as both parties are working toward the greater good of the family, provides a certain level of relief and stability for the wife. Growing up, i viewed my grandparents relationship as perfect.  They had been together since they were teenagers, they always worked as a team, and although her opinion was always considered, Grandaddy had the final say (though it was usually in line with what Grandma had to say). 

Without getting to deep into my religious and spiritual views (as this isn’t the time or place for such discussion), put simply i identify as Christian.  There is this concept within the book of the Husband serves God, while the wife serves the Husband.  i am sure this entire concept of biblical submission helps to influence my complete submission to Master. 

Emotionally, serving Master allows me to feel special, valued, and important.  In my submission, i have given Master something no one else has given him before; and He is sharing with me parts of Himself he has never shared with anyone else.  i feel fufilled and purposeful when Master uses me to complete tasks, keep His life comfortable and enjoyable, and to satisfy His sexual needs. The fact that He values and trusts me to care for these needs for Him is truly beautiful in my eyes.  

Now, for me there is also a personal history that i feel enhances my ability and need to submit to Master.  Having been in an abusive relationship in the past, i felt oddly reminiscent of some of the aspects of my relationship that society tells me is wrong. i missed explaining my where abouts, i missed asking for permission, i missed the feeling of being controlled.  At the time i couldn’t understand why i was missing things i had greatly dispized at the time. i felt like there was something wrong with me.  When i began researching Dominant/submissive relationships, i realized that i was missing the submission, not the abuse; and that the two are not the same thing.  submitting willingly to someone i love is beautiful, where as what i had experienced was forced submission and abuse. (Because this section is included, i feel this section deserves a mini discussion of its own. I seriously considered leaving this part out as i do not want to further the stigma that all people who partake in BDSM activities are in some way “damaged” or mentally ill. That being said people who participate in BDSM are just that people, and some of us- myself included- are bound to have some kind of troublesome history.)

How do all of these aspects of my submission equate to craving Dominance exactly?  Because i feel so strongly on so many levels that being submissive to Master allows me such freedom to be the best me that i can, i crave his Dominance over me to reassure my submission and fulfill the need in me to be submissive to Him. Just as there cannot be a moon with out a sun, an up with out a down, or a ying without a yang, there cannot be submission without Domination.  

Is Maintenance Spanking Necessary?

An interesting concept is a mantenance spanking.  i have read that mantenance spankings are absolutely necessary in Dominant/submissive relationships, i have also read that they are not.  Over time this question has come up in my mind and i can see it going either way.  There are times i feel like they aren’t needed in O/our relationship, but then my submission tends to slip a little when i have not received a punishment lately.

This leads me to believe that maybe i crave the harsh spanking itself. (My punishments consist of a physical punishment and a more mental one as well, for more on the punishments i receive please read this blog post.) But is that really what i crave?

The more i have thought about this, the more i have come to the conclusion it isn’t the spanking itself but the deliberate display of Dominance that i crave.  i recently came across a blog that stated women are biologically predisposed to submitting to men.  When you think about it, evolutionarily speaking, the existence of the human species depended on women submitting to the sexual desires of men.  This is evidenced in the fact that femal orgasm is not crucial reproduction, while male orgasm is the precursor to reproduction.

How does this tie in to my need to have Master display His Dominance with a spanking? Well, being that in today’s society, sexual acts are viewed as mutually pleasurable and there is great emphasis on the elusive “female orgasm,” sexuality no longer equates to submission.  However, submitting to a harsh punishment is a clear cut display of my submission.

So then, it would appear that mantenance spankings are important within O/our dynamic. But, wait there’s more! There are so many deliberate displays of Master’s Dominance that could be used as well.

Occasionally, Master will force me to perform a sexual act i am not fond of.  Some examples of this are oral after sex, particularly rough and painful sex and anal.  Occasionally, Master marks his territory using urine (again not something I enjoy.) Sometimes when Master has seen that i have been a very good girl, He will allow me a chance to be His good little bitch. This is a term W/we use almost exclusively for puppy play. When Master allows puppy play, He inserts a tail plug (which by the way is a bit painful in itself) then places a collar on my neck and puts me on a leash.  Then He trains me as a puppy. What do each of these hve in common, a slight humiliation effect and a total submission to Master. These activities seem to alleviate the kcraving and hinder my spurts of bad behavior.

So, i suppose, all of that being said, no maintence spankings are not necessary.  Why is necessary is the need for Master to occasionally assert is Dominance in an out of the ordinary way.

I would love some feedback in this area.  Are there anyways you know that Master could assert is dominance other than what is discussed above?

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